By Susan Callahan, Anne Nolen and Katrin Schumann
Authors of Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too
Something that cropped up over and over again in our discussions with mothers was that we can get so wrapped up in our own lives, we forget to reach out to others who may need us—an acquaintance, a close-but-neglected old friend, or the larger world out there. Ironically, this unintentional closing of our minds and hearts to anyone outside our immediate, intimate circle can eventually take its toll on us by shrinking our worlds, and thereby the worlds of our children too.
It’s embarrassing to admit: Sometimes it takes suffering a setback to make you realize that you should be helping others—not only friends in need, but strangers too.

As we approach middle age, it sometimes seems as though everyone around us is suffering more and more heartache, whether because of illnesses, death in the family or divorce. When a buddy of Katrin’s unexpectedly lost her mother, her friends were there for her, right then but also during the difficult months to come. That kind of thoughtfulness and consistency means the world to someone whose unhappiness can make them feel intensely isolated. Caroline, a mother of two from Georgia, told us about her friend Jane’s depression, which had been getting worse and worse. Even her husband was powerless to help her snap out of it. It took a group of women, and their loving intervention, to help convince Jane to see a therapist and to consider taking medication.  
Friends in need are friends indeed…

People like to think of themselves as generous, compassionate and nurturing—it makes them feel good. Even if your underlying reasons for being altruistic turn out to be selfish, the effects are still hugely beneficial. Studies have shown that acts of altruism work wonders in boosting your sense of control and satisfaction. Dr. Martin Seligman, Director of the University of Pennsylvania’s Positive Psychology Center, explains in his book Authentic Happiness that the following comprise the main elements of happiness:
•    Pleasure: laughing, having fun, physical enjoyment in something like sex or exercise;
•    Engagement: the depth of our involvement in family, work, romance, or our hobbies;
•    Meaning: when we use personal strengths to serve a larger end.
Surprisingly, he discovered that pleasure is not the greatest source of happiness for an individual. “Americans build their lives around the pursuit of pleasure,” Dr. Seligman writes. “It turns out engagement and meaning are much more important.”
How great does it feel to do something kind for an elderly neighbor, or get involved in a charity full of energetic, hopeful young people? And we’re not talking baking cookies for the school’s bake sale; we mean business here. Reaching out beyond our normal circle.

Think about when you’re really down in the dumps: Everything is hard, and yet everyone else’s life seems more exciting… or at the very least, less demanding than yours. Then think about how you feel when you do something that makes someone else feel great. You feel generous and competent, as though your actions have meaning and impact. In addition, a sense of connection to others is established, which can be very powerful. After all, you reap what you sow, and the world will treat you with reciprocal kindness. A 2005 University of California at Riverside study showed that five kind acts a week significantly boosted participant’s happiness, especially if those five acts were committed on the same day. This proves that we can influence the level of our happiness and satisfaction by intentionally directing our energies to certain activities.  

There’s a catch, though. What if you just don’t have time, and this lingers on your to do list as yet another thing you just can’t seem to wrap your arms around? Is it possible to shake yourself out of this stasis and do just one little thing to give back?
We establish many positive relationships for our children through the healthy, loving connections we make with the world around us. We not only model what it means to be a good friend, but we give the kids the gift of close relationships with people other than ourselves. Our children develop a special sense of community, and will always know there are other people out there looking out for them.  
And isn’t that what helps us mothers through the hard times—knowing we’re never alone and that we can make a real difference?

Adapted from: Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too: It’s Good to Be a Little Selfish—It Actually Makes You a Better Mother. For more information visit www.momstimeouts.com